The Dying Art of Disagreeing Well

‘Whatever you do, don’t bring up politics’, says my cousin as we walk into the restaurant.

‘There are strong opinions in the extended family for and against Viktor Orban’s government, and conversations can get very heated,’ he continues. My daughter and I had just arrived in my homeland of Hungary and are catching up with extended family over dinner. So, I promised not to talk politics. And the night goes well: catching up with family I hadn’t seen in almost two decades, being told by various aunts I was too skinny, not to mention great Hungarian food.

And then I raise the topic of the Ukraine war.

Oops.

You can hear a pin drop.

Realising my faux pax, I change the conversation to something less controversial.

That was my introduction to how polarised Hungary was (reaffirmed a number of times during our stay). Strong opinions. Condemnation of the other side. And the straining—even the rupturing—of lifetime relationships. And it’s not just Hungary that’s affected. In the USA, members of both political parties who hold unfavourable opinions of the opposing party have doubled since 1994, with those holding very unfavourable opinions of the other side reaching record highs in 2022.[2]

While polarisation here in Australia isn’t as bad as in the US or Hungary, we’re not immune from it (at least if social media is anything to go by). People are increasingly quick to judge and slow to listen. We jump on people if they share an opinion about a ‘jugular issue’ that we disagree with. And recent crises like the pandemic unearthed deep divisions within many communities, families and even churches – leading to some people leaving their church because of their church’s response to the pandemic. And let’s not even mention people’s strongly held views on the Israel/Gaza situation.

We polarise over all sorts of issues. And from what I’ve seen and experienced, we struggle to disagree agreeably. It’s a dying art.

Why do we struggle to disagree well?

1. We can be quick to fuse our opinions with our identity, so that a disagreement is felt as an attack on us

There’s nothing wrong with having opinions – even strong ones – on various issues. It’s ok to be – as the Apostle Paul puts it – ‘fully convinced in [your] own mind’ (Rom 14:5).[3] And yet, when such opinions become fused to our identity—whether political, cultural, or any other opinion (parenting techniques, anyone?)—we can mistake disagreement for an attack on our identity as human beings. When our opinions become welded to our identity, we risk becoming defensive when those opinions get questioned.

2. We base our sense of reality on our deeply held beliefs. When those beliefs are questioned, we can experience cognitive dissonance.

By design, we’re sense-making creatures. We’re driven to understand and interpret the world around us. So, we take hold of beliefs from those around us and situate ourselves within the world of those beliefs. Many of our beliefs about our world give our lives meaning.

When they’re challenged, we can feel like our world is challenged and even upended. That’s never comfortable, and instinctively, we push back.

3. We’re quick to make many things a ‘justice issue’ so that people that disagree with us are unjust.

There are many issues the Bible is black and white about: murder, rape, and lying, to name a few. These are issues of justice. But we put many issues into that category, which the Bible doesn’t. Take the recent Voice referendum, for example. Or whether one should vote for Trump. Those on the opposing side to us on those issues are not just mistaken: they’re acting unjustly – and thus wickedly (or so we think). And so we move from mere disagreement on these issues toward contempt and even cancellation – whether online or in person (e.g. breaking off our relationship with such people).

But these issues—like the vast majority of political and cultural issues—while important, fall short of the black-and-white standard of Biblical justice. As I’ve argued elsewhere, one could, in good Christian conscience, have voted either way on The Voice or on Trump.

4. We fail to see the difference between the person and the view we disagree with.

When we forget that the person we’re disagreeing with is an image bearer of God for whom Jesus died, we’re more likely to fall into the trap of showing contempt for them because of their views. Speaking of this danger, the apostle James wrote:

‘With [our speech] we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God’ (Jas 3:9).

5. We’re shaped by social media and start reacting in sudden and overly critical ways.

Last but not least, social media is shaping us to be quicker to speak and less reflective in our interactions with others. Not to mention less inhibited in what we say to others online (and increasingly offline).

What happens when we disagree poorly?

We’ve all experienced the impact of disagreeing poorly.

Some of us (yours truly) have a tendency to arc up and escalate toward argument; others become intimidated and shut down – possibly seething underneath with anger toward the other person who’s forcing their views on us. Still, others are quick to capitulate and not have much of an opinion for the sake of peace. And I’m guessing all of us do some of these things some of the time.

Whatever our tendencies, these actions damage relationships. We become more shallow, even distant, from those who think differently to us, whether it’s a Christian who becomes more distant from his Atheist neighbour or the dads who no longer talk because they disagree over politics.

Who will rescue us from these destructive ways of disagreeing?

Thanks be to God – who hasn’t left His people without help.

Article supplied with thanks to Akos Balogh.

About the Author: Akos is the Executive Director of the Gospel Coalition Australia. He has a Masters in Theology and is a trained Combat and Aerospace Engineer.

Feature image: Photo by Liza Summer on Pexels